I’ve had a wishy-washy past few days. Missed connections. Second guessing. Gray days. Rain, sleet, snow. On Wednesday I met the poppas in the U.P. for a xmas kiddo exchange. Oscar and I had a great morning together and I was kind of sad to pass him off, but I’ve also really been looking forward to this week of freedom from responsibility to work and family. I just wasn’t sure how to start. I have so many ideas of things I want to do. Write. Cross-country ski. Snowboard. Meet a bestie at the bar and talk and talk and talk. Be with my wife. I had thought I would bring my nephew along to Michigan and continue on to our annual downhill ski date, but I didn’t follow through on convincing him (or myself)--too close to xmas, too little snow--and yet I still mentioned it half-heartedly on Christmas, and as I drive there and back wistfully passing the ski resort turn-offs, I regret not making it happen. And at the same time if feels good to just drive. Listen to music. Deliver the goods. I try to recall the perpetual shopping list in my head as I enter Ashland. I hate shopping and there’s always something I’m putting off getting, but here I am solo in the “city” with time. I pull in to Walgreen’s. Did I see something on Facebook recently that I’m not supposed to shop here? But if not here, where? Wander through the shampoo aisle. I’ve mostly just used the cheapest, the Suave I grew up on, but then I watched Jonathan Van Ness tell one of the guys he was helping on Queer Eye to look for the shampoos that don’t have sulfates, so now I’m on the search for something different. And oh man, it takes TIME to read all those labels and compare prices and weight and DECIDE on something. Someone just tell me what I should be buying. And where! Please! Has anyone tried that bottle-free shampoo bar thing I saw in a FB video? And do they make a conditioner version that will actually get the tangles out of my long hair? Anyway, I finally made it out of there with a bottle of Maui Moisture shampoo and Mane n’ Tail Conditioner. I’m yet to be convinced they are the right thing. But pistachios were on sale and Oscar’s been trying to put them in my cart every time we are in the grocery store together, so that was a win. “As long as I’m shopping, I might as well see if they have any pants at 2nd Look,” I think to myself when I’m back in my car. And they do! Which is the best win of the whole day. I hate clothes shopping and for pants in particular. But my go-to pair has a new hole in the crotch and I need a replacement. I flip through the rack and fill my arm with anything that might do. In the dressing room the first pair fits awesome! and the second! and the third! and then I over hear the cashier telling a customer that all green tags are 75% off!! Thank you, thank you! I buy five pairs for under $20 (one had a yellow tag). I won’t have to shop for a decade maybe. Merry Christmas to me!! I’m hungry. I wish I could just know exactly in this moment if any of my friends are in my proximity and open to a late lunch date. I curse not having a cell phone (which I really only need for this rare moment and the other thankfully-rare moment of being in the ditch) but I also know that my friends mostly don’t check their phones constantly (which I love about them) and if I send them a text now they are just gonna write later that they are sorry they missed me and when can we hang, which is also appreciated and forces the planning for a future meet-up, but doesn’t solve the now of where I can get some food. More decisions! I’m not in the mood to sit down by myself. What’s quick and easy and filling and affordable and environmentally-responsible and somewhat healthy? The coop usually misses on filling and affordable. McDonald’s would be my go-to if I had my kiddo in tow. I mean, play-area! And I usually really like the people that take and deliver my order. I just spent a lot of time googling “Is McDonalds good/bad” and it seems they aren’t the worst. I think they are decent to their employees, provide accessible employment anyway. And they give some specific examples of how they try to use their “scale for good.” Obviously, I’d love it if they could buy their meat locally, but I get why that doesn’t happen, and do my best to include locally-sourced meat in the meals we cook at home. A few years ago, it felt so ironic going the drive-thru after doing my Farm to School work of meeting with farmers and cafeteria directors to strategize about getting more local foods in our communities cafeterias, but sometimes you just gotta eat something anything, when you skip lunch for the big picture and have a 45-minute commute to get back to your family and the beginning of dinner preparations. Speaking of dinner. Our friends generously gifted us their Blue Apron box last week because they were going to be out of town. It was kind of fun when Jen brought it home, because we hear this sort of thing advertised on our podcasts all the time and wonder is that something we’d want to do. No. It’s not. But I still appreciated a little help with the grocery shopping and meal planning this week. First off, there is so much plastic wrapped around every little bottle of hot sauce and two carrots, etc. Secondly, the cooking is way too involved to not have leftovers! I’m guessing both of these situations would be remedied a bit if you bought the “family box” version, but still, I think I’m gonna stick with buying the little cardboard box of Zatarain’s. I mean you need to go to the grocery store for eggs, coffee, whatever anyway. Then you can pick up a Zatarain’s box in the rice aisle, a box of pasta, some tortillas, go to the produce section and buy whichever fruits and vegetables look good and aren’t too expensive (buying seasonally). If I’m still stumped, the Zatarain’s box gives some ideas of how to “Veggify” and there might even be something local I can buy. Organic, local, whatever though, if you just do your best to buy yourself and your family some fresh fruits and veggies you're winning. Proteins I think are pretty individualized. I’m grateful to have people in my life that raise pigs and hunt. I look for the Amish-brand chicken and local eggs. We are so fortunate to get fish from the lake. I can also get down with some beans, cheese and/or greek yogurt (it’s delicious with everything AND good for you!). I’m not always eating the perfect proteins. But I try. Cooking lately has mostly felt like a chore, except making this soup using ground pork and squash (which we have always surplus of) and herbs that had recently died and dried in their pots in my window. My houseplants have to be pretty resilient to survive my distraction. I never know when they might give up (which makes me sad) or come back to life (which gives me so much joy). I added a bit of flour in the sauté and cream at the end. It fed us for three glorious undistracted days. This last year has been a roller coaster for me, with lots of highs and lows. I have a hard time writing about it mostly because it has just felt like a lot and I'm not good at sorting out what to speak of and what to leave out... I've felt very moved but also very uncomposed. In short: I found work that I love and then my position wasn't funded, so I'm not able to continue with it (at this time). We built a house and moved in to it and have had to jump through a bunch of hoops with the bank to get the money to pay for it. Jen took over the dogsledding trip business. Oscar is his own little roller-coaster as all kids are. Drives me nuts on the daily, but overall, a pretty great kid that concurrently centers me. Stressed with the house and work, Jen and I have had our share of shouting matches, and in the midst of them he is calmly in the middle saying "Moms. Moms. Just stop. Just stop moms." Through it all I think Jen and I have been good partners. Learned a lot about when and how we can lean on each other and when and how we need to stand on our own. I've picked up work with the Bayfield After-School program. I hang out with first graders a few times a week. They wear me out and fill me up. I am grateful for the chance to begin to know them and look forward to overlapping with them as they grow. I contemplate grad school (what I’ve mostly done for these last few wishy-washy days). I feel behind starting a new program/career now, but also if I don't start now, maybe I’m stuck as a farmer, and I never said I wanted to be a farmer. I just wanted to be home. But I do love pruning. And my kiddo and nephews growing up with the farm. This summer my nephews started working on the farm a lot more. Silas did all the grass-mowing. They both helped out some with harvest. During the harvest their dad my brother Chris is responsible for driving the trailer of picked fruit up from the field to go in the cooler. When the boys were little they liked to ride along on the trailer. And then I have this image from this summer-- I'm sitting in front of the shop waiting to help any customers who drive in and Chris drives the trailer up from the field and Silas and Milo are sprawled amongst the picking lugs. Long legs kicked up, their hair sweaty and sticking to their foreheads, their bodies tired from the work, their faces so calm and content. Not quite adults, or even teenagers, but definitely grown up.
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AuthorsMagdalen Dale and Kaite Sweval grew up a layer apart, overlapping and paralleling. Belonging to the shores of Lake Superior and yet not quite belonging. Laughing and dreaming on the bench outside the ferry booth as Mag passed the time and Kaite chose her time. Left to explore as soon as they could. And then as adults returned home, perhaps to their surprise. But glad to have each other... ‘cause we know there is strength in the differences between us and comfort where we overlap. Archives
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